diary of a doll

After almost 5 years of post secondary schooling, I am down to my last 6 shifts EVER of my nursing education. On December 17, 2010 I will officially (pending any unforeseeable complications) have my Bachelor of Science in Nursing degree!!

I can't even begin to tell you the way that this makes me feel. Everything from wanting to cry my eyes out to screaming at the top of my lungs to kissing random strangers.

Everything I feel seems to be a contradiction at the moment. I'm happy but sad. I feel ready to start a new chapter but yet so unprepared. I feel both motivated and terrified.

Nursing school has given me some of the best and worst moments of my life and it amazes me to think how much it has changed me as a person. When I think back to all of the many patients I have had over the years, and how each one has had an impact on me. I remember being so excited to put on my first pair of scrubs, putting them on and showing them off to my family. And then my first stethoscope that I used to practice listening to heart and lung sounds on my poor sleeping dog. The first time I said "I will be your nurse for today".
I even still remember my first ever patient, Susan. I believe that she was in her 80's, unable to speak, other than little noises that she would make. She was adorable. Even in her hospital gown, with her many medical complications, she carried herself like a lady, and I respected that. I remember that I would sit her up every morning and do her hair, put on her blush, and paint her lips a lovely pink colour that she kept at her bedside. I remember thinking 'wow, this is MY patient...OMG this is MY patient!!!' I think I secretly repeated the words 'please don't die' hundreds of times in my head (and still do...).
Every little task seemed daunting and I didn't think I'd ever be able to do it. I actually have to pause and think now that I am actually here.


It took me a good year to come to the realization that when people yelled 'nurse!' They were actually talking to me.

I remember thinking how far away semester 8 seemed and how those students seemed like 'real' nurses. Back then I couldn't even begin to imagine what that must be like.

Back when every little thing was new and when the tiniest things made astounding impressions on me. I was so naive and so impressionable. To be honest, I'm still very impressionable. I like to think that I just take things to heart, even if I've seen them a million times.

Thinking back brings up a million memories filled with first's. From my first injection, to the first time a patient coded, to the first time I had a patient die and had to bag their body, all way back to the first time I saw a live birth and gave the baby it's first ever bath of it's little life. And then there was asking a patient if they've thought about suicide today, and asking a mother intimate details of her 'flow'. To be honest, these things have not gotten a whole lot easier to this day.

I don't think my memories of nursing school will ever leave me as they are so strongly embedded into who I now am. Certain patients will never leave my heart. Most specifically, my 4th ever patient, a 23 year old heroine addict and prostitute who has forever changed my life.

I like to think that in a way I will always be naive in the sense that I won't become tainted. Far too many nurses lose that, and I don't ever want to get to that point. I want to always have hope and bring hope to others. From all of the light that patients have filled me with, it is all I can do to try and give some of that back.


Even in it's worst moments, I love being a nurse.