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Nice to e-meet you! That's internet for Hello. And that's also about as far as I got in planning what to say in this thing...but as a lover of spontaneity and the inability to edit my own words because that would mean actually having an awareness as to the nothingingness that I am about to ramble on about for far too long...I'm just going to go ahead and keep typing. Apparently...

It's Like a Tupperware Party For Whores!

Awhile back I was invited to a schoolmates wedding. I was super excited and flattered to have gotten one of the few invites because we haven't had class together for awhile so when I did of course I said I would attend! Last week I got an email from the bride-to-be's sister saying that Rebecca refused to have a bachelorette party because she did not want people to feel pressured to buy her gifts. So instead, her sister planned a surprise party for her, which would be a "passion party". Which to those of you who are nieve like me, means a sex toy party. Basically a Tupperware party where they sell sex toys instead of bowls. 

I have never been to a sex toy party period, but having one be a surprise just does not sound like a good idea to me. The look on the brides face as she walked in to a table full of dildo's pretty much said it all. Oh and I almost forgot to mention the best part, the bride is a virgin.  

There were a ton of girls and it was actually quite fun. We all had our arms covered in edible creams and tingly spray on our lips, and vibrating massager's on our hands. The bride even got forced into trying one of the "gets you in the mood" creams which she walked out of the bathroom having applied it with blushing cheeks and a huge grin on her face. 

We played a game where the host asked a bunch of *have you ever* sex related questions where you gave yourself points if your answer was yes. I started to worry for a second in the beginning when the virgin bride had more points than me...But to be fair, you got points for silly things like having a tattoo... Or at least this is my excuse for seeming less prude-like. Which I am clearly not... I mean, I did it on a sofa once...haha just kidding, that would be crazy! 

My other friend was shocked by my seemingly low score. She said something to the effect of "oh my gosh, you only got 5?!? I totally thought that you were like some sexually adventurous/promiscuous girl...Like no offense, but I really thought you would have had like at least 10 points" 

I was quite intrigued to find out that people naturally assume that I am a slut. I'm not sure what it is that I'm doing that gives this impression...But the joke is clearly on them because little do they know,
I'm not having ANY sex, with anyone, at all. so HA. 

(on second thought, the slut assumption might have something to do with my instant reaction to put the dildo in my mouth). Black and white for classiness.

Probably my favorite of the many jokes happening all night was unintentionally from Kiera. The host was showing us another one of the products which were marble-like beads that girls can put into themselves and I think you play chinese checkers inside your bajingo or something, I don't really remember the point of them but anyways, she made a point of saying that girls sometimes worry that the balls will get stuck (hehehe), but not worry because "it's like a cul-de-sac in there, and they will always find their way out". I turned to Kiera and in reference to these whole bead idea said "wow, I have never even heard of that before" and her response was "you've never heard of a cul-de-sac?"
Oh how I love you. 

If I haven't lost you yet, I won't go into too much detail and I am sure many of you have been to sex parties before anyways so this is all nothing new, but as a sex-toy virgin I have to admit that some of those things are just plain scary looking. I don't really think I need a dildo called *jelly osaki*, described as having a "beaver tongue" and contains more buttons on it than my cellphone. One of which makes it do backflips/the YMCA and I have a feeling another speaks to you in spanish and cooks you breakfast. 

I think my expression of the night was a mix of intriguement, confusion, and wide eyed terror.
It also doesn't help that with almost every item we were shown I got instant visualization of some patient I have had in the emergency room with said item physically stuck inside dark places and or completely swallowed and the look on their face when being taken in for surgery. Trust me, that kind of ruins the whole appeal of it all. 

But it was definitely a fun night!

(and to my friends who read this, please don't ever plan me a surprise sex toy party. thank you)

6 Responses so far.

  1. Anonymous says:
    This is what you should've played and then danced to.

    Especially if you went in a nun costume like we told you to.

    What! Corrupt you? We're the reason why they think you're sexually adventurous? WHAT? No!


  2. breanne says:

    haha that's hilarious! I can't say I would want one either, but I'm sure it was nothing short of entertaining lol

  3. Booya says:

    I don't think black and white is gonna make you holding a dildo any classier. lol Transforming vibrator is a bit funny.

  4. Anonymous says:

    That is totally crazy and fun! Hahaha!

  5. You are the most innocent person I know, I'd NEVER think you were a slut?!?! That's so weird to me!

    This post was hilarious xo

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