diary of a doll

we breathe the air, we care

  My new job as a registered nurse has been exciting to say the least, but after being off work for a bit, and then on holiday, I am still trying to adjust to working full time (and without access to the internet!)

  I've only been back a few weeks and I've already had to send a patient to the ICU, pronounce a man dead (in front of several weeping family members), insert a nasogastric tube, and much much more! Although I've always had a bit of jealousy over people working desk jobs, there really is nothing else quite like being a nurse (in both a good and bad way).

  I don't think I really realized just how much I actually missed nursing for the few months I'd taken off. As much as I don't like working 12hr day/night shifts, and am already suffering loss of contact with friends/family, being back has been quite refreshing (although we'll see how long my overly optimistic attitude lasts).

  Caring for poorly people in their most vulnerable moments and sharing those experiences with them, is quite enriching and truly does give me a different perspective on things. I see other nurses who have become so desensitized to it all, and I just pray that I will never become that way. I think if I ever do, it will be time to move on.
For however long I stay being a nurse, I know that I am forever changed as a result of it.

At this point, my future is still very much up in the air, but for now, things are seeming to be on the right track.

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♥ kisses are a better fate than wisdom ♥

I never know what to expect when it comes to love. I never know what to expect when it comes to life either. Things don't always turn out the way that I plan for them to, and I am still trying to figure out where exactly this leaves me.

I struggle with needing an answer to my question of when. When will things finally fall into place? When will my life be in balance? When will we be together indefinitely?

It seems that no one can answer these questions; not even me.

I simultaneously gain and lose my sanity through Andy. Even though he still doesn't let me win at chess, he makes up for it with his charm (while I secretly learn how to pompously defeat him). This evening, he planned a 'date night' which consisted of blown kisses, technical difficulties, and taking turns reading each other a chapter from a book. Because we weren't on camera, he neglected to see my rosing cheeks and sparkling eyes whilst listening to him read aloud.

Being so good at long distance is not a quality that I much admire, but the truth is, I only survive while counting down the days.

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The Bear Necessities

One of the many downsides of working shifts, is that I often have my days off during the week, when other's are typically at work. This means that on days like yesterday, when it was stunningly beautiful outside and I wanted to go for a hike, no one was around to accompany me.

I don't think I've ever done a proper hike on my own before, but I didn't really see why I couldn't. I headed to a mountain I've done once before, knowing it wasn't that long of a hike and had some nice views from the top. When I pulled in the parking lot, I thought it seemed strange that there weren't many cars, but I figured it was probably just that it was still early, so I disregarded it and set on my way.

It was so pretty outside. The birds were chirping, there was a slight breeze through the tree's, and the sun was still peeking through the dense woods.

My high on nature feeling lasted until I got a bit deeper into the forest, and still hadn't seen a single other person. It was really strange to be completely alone in the woods (and yet, very aware of the fact that I was not at all alone).

I generally don't worry about things that I probably should worry about, but in this case there was definitely a looming anxiety hanging well within consciousness. There were a lot of warning signs for bears, but living in BC I have become accustom to ignoring them.

Growing up with a very outdoorsy/nature savy family, I knew better than to go out alone without any sort of bear warning off equipment. I kept thinking that I was going to be that stupid girl in the newspaper that people don't feel bad for because they were so irresponsible that they probably deserved it. I remembered back to my camping days where my sister, brother and I were part of Jerry's Rangers (a BC kids program that taught kids about the environment, in which I was a star student). I thought about how disappointed Jerry the moose would be in me for not having a bell or whistle, or spray or something!! I remember them teaching us to always make noise, and they would get us to clap our hands to practice scaring the bears away as we walked. I spent a good part of my hike debating whether or not I was too proud to clap as I walked. I was going to be the stupid girl who got eaten by a bear because she was too embarrassed to clap.

Just as I got deathly startled by a bird and decided to give it a go, I realized that I could use my phone to make noise. I don’t have many fancy things on it, and it had no reception, so my only option was to scroll through the 5 second long ringtone previews.

This would have been an alright plan, although being that I was already quite nervous, it just so happened that a few of the default ringtones were unexpectedly menacing. This meant that I hiked through the forest, terrified of being eaten alive by a bear, to the fitting tunes of jaws, and the entertainer.

Considering that I had pretty much jumped out of my skin about 20 times by this point, seeing bears in every rock, log, and pile of dirt, I actually took seeing a real bear rather stoically.

When I first saw the big black bear, it was minding it’s own business (or else extremely clever at deceit whilst secretly planning which limb to eat first). I think it gave me a false sense of comfort, and although I had just spent the last 2 hours planning out my attack (and by attack, I mean debating whether or not I should play dead or try outrunning it) for this very moment, I was captivated by it and wanted to see more. I took a few steps closer and stopped. The second that I stopped, it stopped, turned towards me, and stared directly at me with it’s beedy little bear eyes.

I was unbelieveably tempted to take a picture to show my naïve English boyf of my brave close encounter with a real bear, but he was staring me down pretty hard at this point and I’m pretty sure in the sizing up of it’s opponent, it knew quite well who had the upper hand.

Before it could get to the end of that thought, I backed up and quickly, but not too quickly to make it obvious, walked back along the path, glancing back every few seconds to make sure it wasn’t about to pounce on my back.

It was really actually quite neat! I think I have a big part of Elmira from the looney tunes in me, where I really just wanted to cuddle with it and love it forever and ever. I’ve also always had this sense that animals will like me and therefore not want to kill me. I think I might bring some honey for it next time, as a way of bonding.

The World Spins Madly On

For those of you who haven't seen it yet...

this is la vie en rose

Thank you for giving me the most amazing, inspiring, and memorable few weeks of my life. But even more than that, thank you for being the most perfect existence of a human being for whom I can extend my love to.

I don't even know how to begin to describe the time we spent together. I am not sure that I have yet discovered words suitable enough to adequately explain the subtle yet life-altering changes that have blossomed inside of me since finding you. If I had, I would have whispered them to you the first time we met.

I would be cliche and say that we complete each other, but I would feel as though I would be doing you an injustice, as you are the most eloquently whole individual that I could ever imagine.

I am even willing to look past our horribly tacky rhyming names.

And as I can't decide how to actually go about blogging this most wonderful of trips, I will just sum it up with a few photo's and memorable highlights